Recently I had my 38th birthday.

If all previous versions of me could see me in the mirror now, perhaps they’d laugh: dark circles around my eyes, white hair scattered in my beard — I look tired and old.

No one warned me that it’ll happen so stealthily; that it creeps up on you gradually without fanfare. One day you’ll notice something looks different and then on inspection realise that everything is changing.

In some ways I still feel like my old self, naive and in anticipation of the best version of me to materialise. And, according to this picture, still fat and easily terrified:

Maturity comes with time

Getting older and not being the version of myself I thought I’d be, feels like a betrayal. I’d been so confident that I would do things differently, back then the world didn’t feel so difficult to conquer.

Maturing for me isn’t about regretting what I haven’t yet achieved, but being grateful for what I have.

On my 38th birthday, it’s important to take stock of how far I’ve come, and stay focused on how much further I want to go.

If I could speak to my younger self now, I would say:

You deserved better than self-doubt. You are loved. I’m sorry I spent so long letting you down, but one day, you’ll realise that you are happy.

Also, start moisturising and taking magnesium tablets earlier. Don’t wait.

Embrace Change

If you could speak to your younger self what would you say?

I think at this stage of my life, the following quote of Urdu poetry by Allama Iqbal, the British Raj-era Islamic philosopher and poet, perfectly captures how I feel:

Through hope alone you can’t change your destiny,

But it is possible that you will change.

You pray that your desires be fulfilled,

I pray that your desires change.